Bettman and Crosby Have Secret Conversation

"Stop being silly. Of course I want to see you lift the Cup… you know I do."

Sidney Crosby (sobbing): What happened Gary? I thought you said you would take care of everything!

Gary Bettman: There, there son. We tried. You know I want to give you everything that I can… but sometimes you can’t always get what you want.

Crosby (stomping foot): Yes I can! I want the Cup Dad. I want it, want it, want it!!!!!

Bettman: Sid, we’ve tried everything we could. Look at what Uncle Colin did for you. He made sure that Geno could play with you for the rest of the series. That was pretty nice, wasn’t it?

Crosby: Yeah, I guess.

Bettman: And what about how we gave you all those power plays throughout the entire playoffs? That was pretty nice, wasn’t it?

Crosby: Yeah, but why aren’t the refs doing it anymore? It’s just mean—they won’t call anything on those big bad Red Wings. And that Zetterberg guy is the WORST! He follows me everywhere I go! It’s not fair! You should make the refs call penalties on him so we can have power plays and score. PLEASE?!?!

Bettman: Now Sid, we can’t just go around making things up.

Crosby: Of course you can! You made up the rules to make sure I went to Pittsburgh! You changed the rules when Geno didn’t get suspended for his instigator.

Bettman: Well, what do you want us to do then?

Crosby: Can we just play with an extra guy for a while? I mean, the penalties are cool and everything—but can we just play with an extra guy for a little while?

Bettman: I’m not sure that even I can swing that!

Crosby (crossing arms and stomping foot again): But Gary! Why not?!!? Don’t you want to see me lift the Cup over my head?

Bettman: Stop being silly. Of course I want to see you lift the Cup… you know I do. How about we let you play with an extra guy for like 30 seconds, but then we call a penalty right afterwards? Is that good enough?

Crosby: I guess. But can I hit people in the head too?

Bettman: No! We already let you cross-check Zetterberg in the back of the head in Game 1 because we knew you were upset. There was some bad publicity for that—you can’t go around hitting one of their stars in the head.

Asking for the rules to be bent for HIM is one thing, asking for his teammates is "leadership"

Crosby: No! I’m the only star! How about we let one of my linemates hit one of Henrik’s linemates in the head? Would that be better? No one would know! Like, maybe we could have someone like Chris (Kunitz) hit that Mule guy in the head with his stick? I won’t tell anyone if you don’t!

Bettman: I guess we could do that. But Sid… let me tell you something. You guys need to start scoring on even strength. If you only score on your power plays, people might start to suspect something’s up.

Crosby: I’m trying! I told you… that Zetterberg guy is cheating. He keeps covering me and stuff. Every time I’m out there… he’s right there with me. I hate it! What do you want from me…? I’m trying my best!

Bettman: There, there Sid. We all know that you’re trying your best. You’re doing a great job! Maybe you could talk to your friend Geno and see if he could put some pucks in the net. Or maybe set-up some goals—you guys just need to score more than 1 goal per game if you want to win.

Crosby: I told you, we are trying. That Osgood guy has been Osgreat! He only stops pucks in the playoffs… that’s not fair either. Can I run him over when the game is on the line?

Bettman: Of course you can. You know the rules… just try to “look” like you got pushed in. We’ll just say that you were forced in. We all know that you’re a clean player that would never do anything dirty…

Crosby: Ok, thanks a lot. I gotta go now… Versus and NBC want me to do a special feature for them so I can take up the entire pre-game show before the next couple of games.

Bettman (bursting with pride): Well of course you do. Go get ‘em son… and I’ll do my best to take care of everything. Tell Mario I said Hi… and tell him that he still owes me!

Crosby: I’ll tell him when I get home. Bye.

Of course, that’s all we could hear. I’m sure Bettman was talking about how he arranged for Mark Messier to slobber all over him on national cable TV when talking about the Leadership Award—but I don’t know what was said. I don’t want to make anything up.

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parody: In art, music, or literature, a satire that mimics the style of its object.