Artyukhin Heads to Anaheim; Ducks Acquire Another Bastard

Just when you think that the Ducks might make the progression from bastards of the NHL to simply another hated team, they go out and do something like this. Within the year, the Ducks have watched Brian Burke leave for Toronto and willingly parted ways with Chris Pronger in a draft day trade. Their asshole quotient was sliced in half! After all, they still have Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf—so they’re still not getting a free pass. But then news like this comes out today: The Ducks have acquired Evgeny Artyukhin from the Lightning for Drew Miller and a 3rd rounder. I guess I was giving the Ducks a little more credit than I should have.

Ask Ville Peltonen and Florida Panthers fans what they think of Artyukhin. Ask Drew Doughty and Kings fans what they think of the former member of the Tampa Bay Lightning. They’ll tell you the same thing—and not even my liberal use of the English language can I publish some of their thoughts. Needless to say, he’s not a well-liked human being. If Twenty-Cent Kane didn’t already have a copyright on the word Douchebag, it would certainly apply here. I’m settling on Bastard. I hope you understand.

I have no proof-- but he probably was leading with his knee on this hit too...

He’s one of those players that if he was any better, he’d be known as one of the dirtiest players in the league. Instead, he’s known as a kid that has potential, but may never reach his ceiling. If his ceiling is scoring 30 goals in a season and tearing 2 ACL’s per season, I’ll be happy if he never scratches the surface. Oh, and I resent the fact that I can never remember how spell his name. Like I said, he’s a bastard on so many levels.

Honestly, there’s a rather large part of me that welcomes the trade. From a FAN’s perspective, I appreciate the fact that I have one place that I can direct most of my hate. Putting Artyukhin, Perry and Getzlaf on the same team makes life a lot easier for me. The Pronger thing hurts—but who cares about Eastern Conference hockey anyway. If he can beat up Crosby a little bit over the next 8 seasons, then I’ll be able to make amends. It’s a means to an end.

So if the Kings (and their fans) needed another reason to dislike their neighbors down the I-5 Freeway, here they have it. The guy that went knee first into their cornerstone of the future just joined their Pacific Division rival. Fantastic.

I hope Ducks fans like what they’re getting. Oh, what are they getting you ask? We’re talking about a guy that had 17 total points in his rookie season; who thought it was so spectacular that he demanded more money from the Lightning. When he didn’t get what he wanted, bolted (yes, bolted) to Russia for a few years. The bastard is back—the Lightning were so happy to have him back they promptly traded him. Sounds like they love him, does it? “Oh good… you’re back for good? Ok, you’re traded. Ok thanks bye.”

I’m all for creating more emotion in life. Whether it’s a stronger bond of love with a spouse, a bigger smile when you’re having a great day or even being moved to tears when you’re loving life; more emotion makes life worth living. On behalf of most Kings fans, I’d like to thank the Ducks for giving me a little more emotion in my life. Now, I hate the Ducks more than I used to. You have no idea how impressive that is.

So thanks—now fuck off. If someone on the Kings doesn’t address Artyukhin in the first game that these two teams meet, I’m jumping out of the stands to handle this myself. I’ll have to change the website to “View from the Ice.”