It’s been a long hard summer, but hockey season is just around the corner. There are a few of us that hang around the hockey circles even when its 100 degrees outside and the only ice around is in our cocktail. But for the vast majority of the sports watching public, they join the players and take a 3 month break from the puck. For those people, here are some of the things that you may have missed this offseason.
If you want a Kent Huskins haiku, you should check out Fear The Fin. Mr. Plank likes to express his love of the defenseman in poetry form.
But here’s the thing: I hated writing haikus when I was a kid and the practice still hasn’t grown on me as an adult. Iambic pentameter is a term that I really should have remembered—I’m sure my English teaching step-mother would be disappointed. Regardless, here’s an overview of the offseason. It rhymes—so if you’re classy think of it as poetry. If you’re not, then think of it as a rap. Either way, it rhymes…
We know that people come and go
During the summer days
All of the teams did different things
We know there are plenty of ways
Detroit saw an exodus
Always reserved for other teams
The Cap caught up to the Wings
But they’ll still be good–so it seems
The Hawks made news
Much more than they’d like
Someone forgot to send a fax
So Tallon took a hike
Patrick Kane likes to party,
This is clear
But don’t fuck with his change,
Even after some beer.
The young center certainly
Found a new low
If we learned one thing
No cabs in Buffalo
Just the fax ma'am, just the fax...
Marian Hossa signing,
put the West on alert
But where was the physical
Danger: he’s already hurt
So Hossa was in and
Havlat was out
But he has Twitter
So we can hear him pout
The Wild had room because
Gaborik found the Rags,
But with only one groin
Expect him to lag
Only one groin
The problem seems small
Scott Gomez was
And he’s still not tall
Gomez, Gionta, Cammy
All lack height,
I think Burke is smiling
You know he just might
Speaking of the Leafs
They completely rethought their D
They’ll be the Ducks of the East
But that’s just me
The Leafs weren’t done
Still had to find some goals
Enter Phil Kessel
And his clearly defined role
From the center of the hockey world
To the Valley of the Sun
Balsille is trying to steal another team
Without using a gun
Bettman wants them to stay
Yotes fans agree
But Blackberries make money
And that’s always the key
Long Island has problems
With Wang’s Lighthouse Project,
It seems like perfection
But NIMBY objects
Courtesy: WIVB.com
At least there’s Tavares
So they don’t draft first
But don’t get your hopes up
Your bubbles may burst
The Kings hope to avoid
Another tough year
I need them to be good,
I’m all out of tears
LA traded for Smyth
To address left wing
Then looked to free agency
Scuds is a King
He missed his trip
A visit the White House
I’m sure the Pens understood
He was visiting a mouse.
So Cal will be different
Even for the Ducks,
They traded away Pronger
Yes he’s a fuck.
But the best defenseman
Is not a Flyer but a Flame
Hello Jay Bouwmeester
Get ready for some blame
But the biggest name
To find another team
We have Dany Heatley
His goal to redeem
He had a no trade clause
Any place, but then to choose which,
He settled on the Sharks
But he still is a bitch
So that was the summer
Finally coming to a close
The news was nice
But the offseason blows.
Matt Reitz is the Editor-In-Chief here at ViewFromMySeats.com and former NHL Writer for ProHockeyTalk on NBCSports. When he’s not shoving a mic in the face of NHLers or explaining why home teams should wear white, he’s usually trying to figure out what song to play next on his iPod. It’s a never-ending job.
