At the end of yesterday’s San Jose Sharks article, I included a quick Tiger Woods joke. The only problem was that I could only use ONE joke. This story has so many angles that I could make fun of it for days. And I will. It took me 2 seconds to make fun of Tiger Woods and the Sharks in a single sentence. Here are a few more jokes about Tiger Wood and the hockey world. (For the record, I must be maturing. Normally I’d do 20 jokes. I must be getting older.)
1. Step 1 towards building NHL awareness in the mainstream media: Have a player as big as Tiger Woods. Step 2: Have him cheat on his wife.
2. Before the incident, Tiger’s wife was reportedly seen with Keith Ballard.
4. “So Tiger’s getting what he wants with no regard for anything else in the world? Nice. I could learn something from this man.” –Dany Heatley
5. Part 1: What do Rick Tocchet, Tiger Woods and a plumber have in common? None of them know how to cover their asses.
6. Part 2: What’s the difference between the Rick Tocchet, Tiger Woods and a plumber? Waitresses fuck Tiger, Janet Gretzky fucked Tocchet and porn stars fuck the plumber. *cue the funky porn music*
7. What costs more: Kane, Toews and Keith or a prenup?
8. How long before Tiger Woods demands that Sidney Crosby changes his voicemail to say Sidney Bettman?
9. Whenever people talk about Tiger’s “short game,” Brian Gionta gets paranoid that people are talking about him again.
10. In hockey, like in life: If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Apparently Tiger has tried at least 3 times in his life.
11. When Colin Campbell suspends someone for past “transgressions,” will he be forced to quote Tiger? *races to the US Trademark office*
12. Brian Burke: “Tiger really should have thought more about the future.”
13. Is a Tiger Tramp the same as a Puck Bunny?
14. Apparently Tiger had one of his women fly with him for a tournament in Australia. That sounds so much more appealing than Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
15. Rumor has it that Tiger is paying one of his mistresses $1 million to shut up. How much did Gary Bettman have to pay the Players Association when the owners steamrolled them in the last collective bargaining agreement?
16. What are the chances that Tiger and his wife are using the same counselor as Marty Brodeur and Sean Avery? Wait, did Tiger ever call his wife “fatso?” If not, nevermind.
17. Sounds like Tiger drives his car as well as Patrick O’Sullivan drives to the net.
18. Marian Hossa: “He’s been in 3 women in just over a year? Whatever—I’ve been in 3 cities in just over a year. Does that count?”
19. Tiger’s Swedish wife showed more emotion in 2 minutes than the Sedin Twins have shown in their entire career. Combined.
20. What’s the difference between Patrick Kane and Tiger Woods? Kane likes to hit drivers while Woods was trying to AVOID being hit by one.
- Are we really surprised that a man with the last name “Woods” did something like this? I mean, it has the word “Wood” in it and it’s plural. That doesn’t say monogamy to me.
- It would have been better if he cheated with women that were older than him. Then I could use a bunch of Cougar Woods jokes.
Hey, look at that—more than 20 jokes. I guess I’m not maturing.