Behind Closed Doors: The Campbell, Auger, Burrows Experience

By now, just about everyone in the hockey world knows what went down in Vancouver earlier this week. In a game between the Nashville Predators and Vancouver Canucks, Stephane Auger called 3 separate penalties on Alexander Burrows in the 3rd period to aid the Predators to victory. Bad calls happen all the time, but the situation took an unexpected turn when Burrows told reporters after the game, “The ref came over and said … he was going to get me back tonight, and he did his job in the third.” Needless to say, that comment has gotten the attention of the entire hockey watching world.

There has been a lot of discussion whether Stephane Auger should be tarred-and-feathered, fined, shunned and/or suspended. Our wonderful correspondents were there for a secret meeting that took place between Colin Campbell, Stephane Auger and Alex Burrows when determining an adequate punishment. Hopefully, this will shed some light on the subject and put the matter to rest.

Seriously Stephane... stop talking to players.

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(Auger enters the room to find Colin Campbell and Alex Burrows already waiting for him).

Auger: Hey Colin. What’s up Alex? It’s been a while.

Burrows: What are you talking about? You just talked to me before the game on Monday! It hasn’t been that long.

Auger: I have no comment for your accusations.

Campbell: Alex, stop right there. I’ll be the one that does the talking in here. I figured you’d be tired of talking after running your face to the Vancouver media the other night. Be seen and not heard.
(Turning his attention to Auger). Sit down Stephane. I’m going to be blunt. You’ve had a bad season so far. We’re not talking about funny ha-ha screw-ups like mixing up one of those Alien Sedin twins. No, we’re talking about costing teams games, pissing off fan bases and missing goal calls. And now we have this. What the hell were you watching out there man? Those were some TRULY awful calls in the 3rd. What do you have to say for yourself? Where you drinking between periods again?

Auger: (in French) I’m a human, I make mistakes.

Campbell: Yeah, I know! You’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately. And stop speaking French.

Burrows: Those weren’t mistakes.

Campbell: Alex, I thought I told you to be quiet. Stephane, you know that a shitstorm is coming down on me after Monday’s game. Alex here didn’t help matters—and I’ll get to him in a minute—but you really screwed the pooch man. My phone has been ringing off the hook. Reporters want to know what happened. People around the league want me to address it so the story can just go away. Hell, that Eklund guy is just going to make up shit until I address it—so we need to address it.

Auger: Alright, I know the media pressure is everywhere. Comment pouvez-vous détester RDS ? (In French): What is the punishment?

Campbell: Well Stephane seriously. STOP WITH THE FRENCH. I don’t even know what you’re talking about when you do that and it just makes me think of your thing with Shane Doan a few years ago. So stop. I spun the Wheel of Justice and the fine is going to be $2500.

Auger: OK. And how long is the suspension.

Campbell: (extremely straight face): No suspension.

Burrows: This is some bullshit. If I did something like that, I’d be fined and suspended!

Campbell: Wait, you ARE getting fined. I’m sorry… I misunderstood. Alex, YOU are the one being fined. No suspension because the Wheel of Justice showed pity on your soul.

Burrows: WHAT?!?! He is the one that approaches me before the game. He’s the one that makes bullshit calls. He’s the one that basically fixes a game and I’m the one that gets fined? Don’t you know who I am? I’m the #1 Star of the Week!

Auger: (daydreaming while Burrows complains) I wonder if I could use a laser pointer while I’m officiating the next Canucks game. That would be funny. Hmmm, I wonder where my next game is going to be. I hope it’s Montreal—I want some Poutine.

Campbell: First of all, you’re only the #1 Star because you play with the Swedish Alien twins—so know your place. Maybe if you stopped diving, none of this would have ever happened. And honestly Alex; I’ve had enough of your whining. Once you retire and become an announcer, you can channel your inner Jack Edwards or Brian Hayward and complain all you want. But while you’re a professional athlete, can you please remember the professional part?

Burrows: (mumbles)

Campbell: Don’t you dare bring up Avery. We already have one of him and my doctor told me that my blood pressure can’t handle another one.

Burrows: Fine.

Campbell: Alright, I’m done with you Alex. Not a word of this conversation or I’ll fine you so hard, you’ll have to skip out on a bill in Calgary.

Burrows: Please. I’m not an Oiler. Alright, I’m out of here… this place is dead anyway.

(Burrows leaves the room leaving just Campbell and Auger alone in the office)

Campbell: Alright, I’m going to be real with you. These are some serious accusations. What bothers me is that this isn’t the first time that we’ve had issues like this with you.

Auger: Are you talking about the Shane Doan thing? I’m not speaking French!

Campbell: No, I’m not talking about the Doan thing—although that WAS a complete clusterfuck. I’m talking about the goal that the Red Wings scored in Dallas that you missed. I’m talking about the entire Stars/Sharks game that you worked last month. Drew Remenda called me last month after that game and I thought he was going to blow a blood vessel all over the phone receiver.

Auger: Who?

Campbell: Drew Remenda. He’s the bald-headed announcer for the Sharks.

Auger: Ohhh! That guy. He sucks.

Campbell: Yeah well… I can’t speak to that. But he was pissed at you after that game. And I really don’t want to have to talk to him again. So we had that game and now this. You need to cut me a break. I don’t need you to do anything special, JUST STOP SUCKING!

Auger: Alright, point taken. Let me get this straight. I have to make sure that I stop screwing Burrows, continue to be nice to Doan, stop missing obvious goals in Dallas and be nice to the Sharks.

Campbell: Yeah, that’s it. Well… and you could try to mix in some decent officiating as well. But you really have to be careful when you do Canucks games now. You’ll be under a microscope and we really want this to go away. Just look at what Tim Donaghy did to the NBA’s reputation! We don’t need that for the NHL. We’re having enough problems as it is.

Auger: Alright, you got it Colin. So am I doing another Canucks game next?

Campbell: No, the schedule has you doing the Penguins game in Calgary on Wednesday night. We figure it should be the perfect situation for you to ease yourself back into action. After all, there are NEVER any conspiracy theories around the Penguins and hockey doesn’t get much coverage in Calgary. I’m sure Sidney traveling up to Western Canada isn’t that big of a story.

Auger: Alright, I’ll do my best. Thanks for everything.

Campbell: Don’t do your best, just get it right. Now, get out of here. I have to go talk about how great Curtis Joseph was for the last 19 seasons. Oh… before you go, one last thing. Gary told me to tell you, “If you see any laser pointers in Calgary tonight, give the entire Flames team the Burrows Treatment.”