People are finally starting to realize that Joe Pavelski is, in fact, the Big Pavelski. But it’s not just “Little Joe,” that should be compared to the cult-classic character. In fact, when you look a little deeper—you’ll find that the entire movie was written for the San Jose Sharks. Here we’ve taken a few excerpts from the movie and translated them for the hockey watching public. Honestly, it’s surprising that people didn’t discover this sooner.
Please let us know any other quotes that relate to the Sharks that we missed, we’re sure there are plenty! And for anyone who hasn’t seen the movie, some of these quotes are obviously not suitable for mixed company.
- The Big Pavelski as himself
- Ryane Clowe as Walter (a little on the crazy side)
- Joe Thornton as Maude Lebowski
- Rob Blake as Jeffrey Lebowski (the old guy who is in a wheelchair)
- Todd McLellan as Jackie Treehorn, because he’s kind of a pimp.
- Evgeni Nabokov as Donny, who liked to surf.
- Failed seasons past are the rug that was pissed on and the rest of the Western Conference are the rug pissers.
“Are these guys going to hurt us Walter?”
“No Donny. These men are cowards.”
Translation: I don’t think anyone really feared the Sharks before this season.
“In the briefcase?”
“Uh, papers. Just some papers, you know… my papers, business papers.”
“And what do you do sir?”
Translation: This was brought to you by Brad Lukowich.
“Your phone’s ringing dude”
Translation: The phone is a thinly veiled metaphor for playoff expectations.
“I don’t need your fuckin’ sympathy man, I need my fuckin’ Johnson.”
“What do you need that for Dude?”
Translation: Obviously, this is a clear reference to the fact that the Sharks haven’t had the balls it takes to win in the playoffs.
“Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you’re going to have to face the fact that you’re a goddamn moron.”
Translation: Before this year, the natives were starting to get restless with Doug Wilson.
“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me… hell, I can get you a toe by 3:00 this afternoon… with nail polish. These fucking amateurs.”
Translation: Ryane Clowe is going to cut someone’s toe off. By 3:00 this afternoon.
“Look, nothing is fucked here man.”
“Nothing is fucked? The damn plane has crashed into the mountain!”
Translation: A people’s history of San Jose Sharks’ playoff success.
“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t handle money, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don’t fucking roll. Shomer shabbos.”
Translation: Apparently, the Sharks used to think April was Shabbos.
“What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn’t that what makes a man?”
“Hmmm. Sure. That… and a pair of testicles.”
Translation: It might have taken a few years, but after Game 3 of the Colorado series, the Sharks have figured out what it takes to be men in the playoffs.
“This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.”
Translation: This is basically what the Sharks have been saying to the Red Wings all series.
“Also, my rug was stolen.”
“The rug was in the car?”
“No, it was here.”
“Ohh, separate incidents.”
Translation: It’s not just one season that has been stolen from the Sharks.
“God damn you Walter! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you man!”
Translation: Really? Do I need to draw the parallels between a fuckin’ travesty and a Sharks post-season appearance?
“You know… the occasional flashback.”
Translation: The worst thing that any Sharks fan could hear is a Sharks player admitting that’s one of the things they do every April.
“What the fuck are you talking about? The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude. Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.”
“Walter, this isn’t a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy…”
“What the fuck are you…?
“Walter, he peed on my rug!”
“He peed on the Dude’s rug.”
“Donny you’re out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!”
Translation: Actually, all 3 characters are completely confused for the entire scene. Devin Setoguchi isn’t Chinese at all, he’s half-Japanese.
“Look, just stay away from my fucking lady friend.”
“Hey, I’m not messing with your special lady.”
Translation: Obviously, the Sharks special lady friend is the President’s Trophy.
“That rug really tied the room together.”
Translation: For some reason, they’ve decided to call Manny Malhotra and Douglas Murray a rug.
“Smokey, my friend, you’re entering a world of pain.”
Translation: April and May.
“And, you know, he’s got emotional problems, man.”
“You mean… beyond pacifism?”
Translation: Clearly even the writers understood that the Sharks needed to be a little more intense in the playoffs.
“This bush league psycho-out stuff. Laughable, man—haha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooooo! You got a date Wednesday baby!”
Translation: Ummm, I don’t believe the Sharks care when they play the Red Wings.
“Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.”
“He fixes the cable?”
Translation: The answer originally was supposed to be, “They lose in the 1st round?”
“Liam and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.”
“Yeah, well, you know… that just like, your opinion man.”
Translation: The doubters have been talking about how the Sharks would choke all season. The Sharks weren’t listening.
“You have got to buck up man. You cannot drag this negative energy into the tournament.”
“Fuck the tournament… Fuck YOU Walter.”
“Fuck the tournament? Alright, I can see you don’t want to be cheered up here Dude.”
Translation: Negative energy has repeatedly hurt the Sharks in the playoffs.
“Fortunately, I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh limber.”
Translation: No translation here. That was meant for the Capitals and their athletic trainer.
“Damn it! Look, just because we’re bereaved, that doesn’t make us saps!”
Translation: Local businesses in San Jose would raise their prices in May-June because they knew 18,000 people would be looking for alternative entertainment options.
“I’ll suck your cock for a thousand dollars… Brandt can’t watch though or he has to pay 100.”
Translation: Apparently, Sharks fans have had to PAY to watch all this go down in the past.
“I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand man.”
Translation: Joe Pavelski’s motivational speech before Game 3.
“I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior, and I don’t like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
Translation: The Sharks don’t listen to their critics.
“Yeah well, The Dude abides.”
“The Dude abides. I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners. Shoot. I sure hope he makes the finals.”
Translation: Even Sam Elliott knows they should make the finals.