How I Survive My Summer Vacation

Now Playing: Fatboy Slim – You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby

Many of us here at VFMS, as well as a good number of you out there, spend the warmer months looking for game replays on the NHL Network and dealing with serious puck withdrawal.  Unfortunately, when you already know the outcome of the game and the season (SPOILER: Blackhawks won the Cup!!) it just doesn’t quite replace the real thing.  Never fear, I have compiled a list of ten things that I do from the time the Stanley Cup is claimed until preseason action starts in September.  Hopefully you will find this useful and even give some of them a shot yourself.

While this is a relatively new one, I’m hoping to make it a more yearly tradition, for obvious reasons.  It’s something that everybody can enjoy, as the Cup will be traveling across the world to spend a day with all of the victorious Blackhawks (yes, even those that fell victim to the dreaded salary cap hell). The only downside is that it kind of fails to give my liver the off-season it needs to recuperate seeing as it somehow visits more bars than I do.

It may be the most challenging item on the list, kind of like dodging raindrops in a thunderstorm.  Or like evading bogus Kovalchuk rumors on Twitter.

A Chicago summer staple, the first step is drinking crappy beer (read: Bud Light). Second, watching equally crappy bands labor through a set that’s about 45 minutes too long and battling to be heard over the noise of drunken festival-goers until they FINALLY play their one lousy hit from 10 years ago.  (Eve6, Stroke 9, I’m looking in your direction…)

I’m currently working on checking items off of my “Exotic Meats I’ve Grilled” bucket list.  Mogwai…you’re next!

Trolling the bars of the western suburbs of Chicago and the Viagra Triangle in the city to find me a “Sugar Mama” so I can afford to take insane hockey road trips like this one.

Try Other Sports (I know, I was surprised to find they existed too…)

Example: I’m currently learning the rules to soccer so that when stoppage time rolls around in the 2nd half of the World Cup Final I’ll actually be able to understand it.

Tossing barbs at Chicago’s “lovable losers” is a favorite pastime of many in the Windy City.  In an ironic twist, the ones that are the best at it are the same ones that cough up the money for tickets to the friendly confines, only to then shell out truckloads of cash for overpriced Old Style to dull the realization of what’s happening on the field.  While they usually wait until August to make things laughable, this season they’ve been kind enough to suck out loud since Opening Day, thus keeping me busy.  Thanks, sCrUBS.

My favorite method lately has been approaching some popped-collar douchenozzle texting on his iPhone, and brashly claiming that Android phones are the greatest thing since Velcro.  That usually gets those Jager bomb-chugging fanboys all worked up, providing plenty of entertainment.

Seriously, I can only watch baseball for so long, even if the Cubs do make it hilarious.  This holds my attention much longer, and becomes more challenging with each passing sip.

Good God, I can’t even imagine going senile, I wouldn’t be able to do ANYTHING!  Three separate WordPress accounts, Facebook, Twitter, GMail, online banking, LinkedIn, Ebay, Outlook, every damn blog I want to leave a freaking comment on, Flickr, PayPal, YouTube, Amazon, Photo Bucket, Vivid Video – wait, forget you saw that one, Netflix, HockeyFights.com, Digg, MySpace, and Friendster…OK, those last two I wouldn’t be mad if I forgot.

Songs from Disney soundtracks accomplish this well in karaoke bars (unless you’re in boystown, those guys love their showtunes!). Hijacking the jukebox and playing entire albums of depressing and/or annoying music is another fun one, the Counting Crows’ August and Everything After is one that kills most bars.  Lastly, bringing my vuvuzela to local watering holes has proven to be as incendiary as publicly announcing one’s support of seal-clubbing.

So there you have it.  Some ways to get through the seemingly endless stretch of hockey-less life otherwise known as summer.  I’m always looking for suggestions as to how you handle it, feel free to share them below!  Thanks for playing, sports fans, and one more thing…IS IT OCTOBER YET??!!

-Hackett