Some people spend this time of year going over hockey stats, watching video, photoshopping pictures, coming up with conspiracy theories (btw, teh NHL hates teh Devils!!!1) or, for some unknown reason, spending time with family and/or loved ones.
I spend this festive season hacking into the NHL’s “Secret Holiday Item Tabulation” database, or The SHIT List, as it’s called by those in “the know.” The database is filled with secret wish lists and requests for the upcoming holiday season from some of the leagues top players, NHL personnel and others who are associated with the NHL.
If you’ve never heard of it, it’s because it’s a secret! It says so right in the name… and we all know the NHL knows how to closely guard their secrets.
With help from some of my insider sources, I was able to hack into the system and pull up a small portion of the memo that will be sent out. It seems to be a compilation of separate emails received by someone at NHL headquarters throughout the year. It also seems that some items on the SHIT list have notes next to the gift. Again, the notes seem to be from various persons at league headquarters.
So, without further exaggeration or made up stories, here is a sampling of what your favorite National Hockey League players and executives want this year!
INTERNAL MEMO:
Secret Holiday Item Tabulation – (Yearly) aka: SHIT-Y List
Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger has asked for a Flyers tote bag. He would like to carry all of his items out of the arena in a discreet, yet fashionable way.
The whole office is chipping in to get Colin Campbell the newest edition of “Blackberry for Dummies” -NOTE: that’s horse shit -CC
Phil Kessel would like a talented, young center to play with. He mentioned Tyler Seguin for some reason. -NOTE: Hehe! -GMPC
A few players from around the league are chipping in to get Tomas Vokoun a $500 U-Haul gift certificate. He’ll find the humor in that soon enough.
Ilya Kovalchuk emailed in and said he has everything he needs, but wants one of those tiny giraffes he saw on TV. -NOTE: screw that guy. -GB
Oh Ilya Kovalchuk... you can't be serious.
A few New York Rangers players have expressed interest in getting Sidney Crosby a big box of tissues. -NOTE: weird, he didn’t seem sick when he came over yesterday – GB
Tyler Myers wants a Wayback Machine. That way he can go way back to last year… for obvious reasons.
We had received a long wish list email from Damien Cox, but it now appears that it was deleted somehow.
Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle sent in a note saying they want to donate a portion of their spotlights to Magnus Paajarvi.
We recently got a note from Kevin Weekes saying he wants one of those novelty hats with the rear-view mirrors on it.
Dan Ellis has asked for yet another gold-plated litter box for his new luck dragon. -NOTE: can we give him 18% of one? lulz -Anonymous
I want a new Sidney Crosby fathead! -NOTE: okay, Gary. No need to put in the same request every year. -BD
Someone calling himself “BizNasty” said he wants a lo-jack for his phone and a trip to Edmonton.
Marc Savard wants something… but he forgot what it was. -NOTE: omg, what a little faker! -CC
Anze Kopitar wants a left winger. -NOTE: I might be able to give him one of those. lmao. -Lou
Player agent Allan Walsh just wants World Peace. He said we can accomplish this by eliminating, or “blocking”, as he called it, anyone who questions or doesn’t agree with him. He then asked if we were watching Client Halak.
A few guys are going in on some boxing lessons for Matt Niskanen.
Jonas Hiller and Cam Ward emailed in together and asked if they could have some like-new or slightly used defenseman. They’re not greedy.
We received a weird, cryptic email from Roberto Luongo. It simply said: “I do not like soft goals, I don’t. Accept Byfuglien’s ass in my crease, I won’t. What I’d like, a place to store my thoughts. If I don’t, this would all be for naught.” He ended the email by saying “I’m a lover, not a fighter. By the way, screw Corey Schneider.”
So there you have it. A secret look at what your favorite (and sometimes not-so-favorite) NHL names want this holiday season.
I’m assuming my emailed wish list is on a portion of the memo I didn’t get to see…
