Hello from your resident degenerate at View From My Seats. When Brendan Shanahan took over the role of disciplinarian he promised to rule with a more even-handed brand of justice and provide more transparency by explaining each ruling on questionable hits in a video on the NHL website and his Twitter account. This has been met with approval from hockey fans for several reasons. For one, it’s given them an insight to how and why suspensions are doled out in each situation, so even if everybody doesn’t agree on the discipline, they can see the rationale behind it. While that is important in today’s ever more connected world, there is a more crucial impact that the Shanahan videos have made. In the spirit of “Hi Bob!”comes the latest in hockey fanaticism, the Shanahan Drinking Game! So grab your bottle/12-pack/pony keg of choice (might I suggest Jeppson’s Malört?) and follow along with this handy reference guide to playing along at home every time an NHL-er runs afoul of (*cue Law & Order music*) the Shanaban.
- “Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan.”: Drink 2 (Dude, we know who you are.)
(If the person says “Hi, I’m Colin Campbell,” walk away from the computer before you put your fist through the monitor: No drink)
- Drink 1 for every 10 seconds NHL VideoCenter buffers. It might be good to have several drinks opened/poured to begin with.
(If the VideoCenter does NOT buffer, then… nevermind.)
- Shanny wearing a tie for this one? You know this is going to be serious if he’s dressing up for the occasion. Drink 2
(If Shanny is going sans tie, it means he’s going sloppy. You should get sloppy as well. Drink 5)
- Each time Shanahan refers to with which player “the onus” lies: Drink 2
(Double it each time you giggle and say either “penis” or “anus” under your breath.)
- Matrix-style screen with the applicable new rule: Drink 1
(Double any time the word “matrix” makes you think of Keenu Reeves)
- OOOHHHHH Shiny sparkly font highlighting key words in applicable new rule!: Put down bong and drink 2
(Surprisingly, this applies to all NHL fans, not just those in Vancouver)
- Referencing a past incident involving Matt Cooke or Patrick Kaleta: Drink 2
(If this is referencing a NEW incident involving Matt Cooke or Patrick Kaleta: DRINK 7)
- Jumps and does a ninja kick while screaming “BOOM KRONWALL’D!”: Drink 5
(Double if it’s actually Kronwall getting Kronwall’d)
- Botches a difficult name (that’s not really that difficult, like Wisniewski): Drink 2
(If he mispronounces the name as a result of the job driving him to drink: Drink 5)
- If it’s a Boston Bruins player actually getting suspended: Drink 9,283
(Don’t worry, this shouldn’t be a problem.)
- Shanahan steps to the side and we catch a glimpse of a boulder tied to a 2 x 4 with the engraving: THE SHANAHAMMER: Drink 3
(If Rob Blake steps to the side and we catch a glimpse of said SHANAHAMMER: Drink 6)
- Brings the player in question on camera and throws an actual book at him: Drink 6
(If said book is “The Art of War” or from the Twilight series: FINISH ALL THE BOOZE)
Wasn’t that fun? It’s not that anyone is ever rooting for illegal hits, but it’s good to know there’s something out there to help you deal with them when they inevitably happen. So load up NHL.com, watch the 13 GameCenter auto-play ads and get ready to have some fun with the Shanaban!
Disclaimer: View From My Seats does not recommend you actually trying this (or any other Brendan Shanahan related) drinking game… because you may die.