By now, just about everyone in the hockey world knows what went down in Vancouver earlier this week. In a game between the Nashville Predators and Vancouver Canucks, Stephane Auger called 3 separate penalties on Alexander Burrows in the 3rd period to aid the Predators to victory. Bad calls happen all the time, but the situation took an unexpected turn when Burrows told reporters after the game, “The ref came over and said … he was going to get me back tonight, and he did his job in the third.” Needless to say, that comment has gotten the attention of the entire hockey watching world.

There has been a lot of discussion whether Stephane Auger should be tarred-and-feathered, fined, shunned and/or suspended. Our wonderful correspondents were there for a secret meeting that took place between Colin Campbell, Stephane Auger and Alex Burrows when determining an adequate punishment. Hopefully, this will shed some light on the subject and put the matter to rest.

Seriously Stephane... stop talking to players.

______________________

(Auger enters the room to find Colin Campbell and Alex Burrows already waiting for him).

Auger: Hey Colin. What’s up Alex? It’s been a while.

Burrows: What are you talking about? You just talked to me before the game on Monday! It hasn’t been that long.

Auger: I have no comment for your accusations.

Campbell: Alex, stop right there. I’ll be the one that does the talking in here. I figured you’d be tired of talking after running your face to the Vancouver media the other night. Be seen and not heard.
(Turning his attention to Auger). Sit down Stephane. I’m going to be blunt. You’ve had a bad season so far. We’re not talking about funny ha-ha screw-ups like mixing up one of those Alien Sedin twins. No, we’re talking about costing teams games, pissing off fan bases and missing goal calls. And now we have this. What the hell were you watching out there man? Those were some TRULY awful calls in the 3rd. What do you have to say for yourself? Where you drinking between periods again?

Auger: (in French) I’m a human, I make mistakes.

Campbell: Yeah, I know! You’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately. And stop speaking French.

Burrows: Those weren’t mistakes.

Campbell: Alex, I thought I told you to be quiet. Stephane, you know that a shitstorm is coming down on me after Monday’s game. Alex here didn’t help matters—and I’ll get to him in a minute—but you really screwed the pooch man. My phone has been ringing off the hook. Reporters want to know what happened. People around the league want me to address it so the story can just go away. Hell, that Eklund guy is just going to make up shit until I address it—so we need to address it.

Auger: Alright, I know the media pressure is everywhere. Comment pouvez-vous détester RDS ? (In French): What is the punishment?

Campbell: Well Stephane seriously. STOP WITH THE FRENCH. I don’t even know what you’re talking about when you do that and it just makes me think of your thing with Shane Doan a few years ago. So stop. I spun the Wheel of Justice and the fine is going to be $2500.

Auger: OK. And how long is the suspension.

Campbell: (extremely straight face): No suspension.

Burrows: This is some bullshit. If I did something like that, I’d be fined and suspended!

Campbell: Wait, you ARE getting fined. I’m sorry… I misunderstood. Alex, YOU are the one being fined. No suspension because the Wheel of Justice showed pity on your soul.

Burrows: WHAT?!?! He is the one that approaches me before the game. He’s the one that makes bullshit calls. He’s the one that basically fixes a game and I’m the one that gets fined? Don’t you know who I am? I’m the #1 Star of the Week!

Auger: (daydreaming while Burrows complains) I wonder if I could use a laser pointer while I’m officiating the next Canucks game. That would be funny. Hmmm, I wonder where my next game is going to be. I hope it’s Montreal—I want some Poutine.

Campbell: First of all, you’re only the #1 Star because you play with the Swedish Alien twins—so know your place. Maybe if you stopped diving, none of this would have ever happened. And honestly Alex; I’ve had enough of your whining. Once you retire and become an announcer, you can channel your inner Jack Edwards or Brian Hayward and complain all you want. But while you’re a professional athlete, can you please remember the professional part?

Burrows: (mumbles)

Campbell: Don’t you dare bring up Avery. We already have one of him and my doctor told me that my blood pressure can’t handle another one.

Burrows: Fine.

Campbell: Alright, I’m done with you Alex. Not a word of this conversation or I’ll fine you so hard, you’ll have to skip out on a bill in Calgary.

Burrows: Please. I’m not an Oiler. Alright, I’m out of here… this place is dead anyway.

(Burrows leaves the room leaving just Campbell and Auger alone in the office)

Campbell: Alright, I’m going to be real with you. These are some serious accusations. What bothers me is that this isn’t the first time that we’ve had issues like this with you.

Auger: Are you talking about the Shane Doan thing? I’m not speaking French!

Campbell: No, I’m not talking about the Doan thing—although that WAS a complete clusterfuck. I’m talking about the goal that the Red Wings scored in Dallas that you missed. I’m talking about the entire Stars/Sharks game that you worked last month. Drew Remenda called me last month after that game and I thought he was going to blow a blood vessel all over the phone receiver.

Auger: Who?

Campbell: Drew Remenda. He’s the bald-headed announcer for the Sharks.

Auger: Ohhh! That guy. He sucks.

Campbell: Yeah well… I can’t speak to that. But he was pissed at you after that game. And I really don’t want to have to talk to him again. So we had that game and now this. You need to cut me a break. I don’t need you to do anything special, JUST STOP SUCKING!

Auger: Alright, point taken. Let me get this straight. I have to make sure that I stop screwing Burrows, continue to be nice to Doan, stop missing obvious goals in Dallas and be nice to the Sharks.

Campbell: Yeah, that’s it. Well… and you could try to mix in some decent officiating as well. But you really have to be careful when you do Canucks games now. You’ll be under a microscope and we really want this to go away. Just look at what Tim Donaghy did to the NBA’s reputation! We don’t need that for the NHL. We’re having enough problems as it is.

Auger: Alright, you got it Colin. So am I doing another Canucks game next?

Campbell: No, the schedule has you doing the Penguins game in Calgary on Wednesday night. We figure it should be the perfect situation for you to ease yourself back into action. After all, there are NEVER any conspiracy theories around the Penguins and hockey doesn’t get much coverage in Calgary. I’m sure Sidney traveling up to Western Canada isn’t that big of a story.

Auger: Alright, I’ll do my best. Thanks for everything.

Campbell: Don’t do your best, just get it right. Now, get out of here. I have to go talk about how great Curtis Joseph was for the last 19 seasons. Oh… before you go, one last thing. Gary told me to tell you, “If you see any laser pointers in Calgary tonight, give the entire Flames team the Burrows Treatment.”

Tuesday night Martin Brodeur broke one of the most important records in the National Hockey League. It was only the latest accomplishment in a career full of crowning achievements. He was sitting on top of the hockey world—and had 104 reasons to be happy with his place in history.

But it hasn’t always been the charmed life for the netminder from Montreal, Quebec. After showing potential with the St. Hyacinthe Lasers, the New Jersey Devils spent their 1st round pick (20th overall) on the goal French-Canadian goaltender. The Devils must have seen something in the man between the pipes, because it sure as hell wasn’t his 4.01 goals against average. When asked about his feelings on the day of the draft in 1990, Brodeur reminisced:

“Of course, it would have been great to play for the Canadiens because of my Dad. But I was truly excited about being drafted by the New Jersey Devils. I had heard so many great things about their diners; I couldn’t wait to try them for myself.”

Obviously the food in New Jersey suited the big-boned goaltender well. After winning the Calder Trophy in his rookie year, he led the Devils to their first Cup in franchise history. He couldn’t have asked for a better start. He was the face of the Stanley Cup champions and had all the potential in the world.

Or so he thought.

But there were cracks just beneath the surface. Jacques Lemaire and his trap leaving New Jersey at the end of the 1997-98 season was rough on the Quebec native. Even though the team would go on to win a total of 3 Stanley Cups (two without Lemaire), the warm and fuzzy feeling that the Brodeur felt with the neutral-zone trap was never the same.

As always, his famous father father’s famous camera was in attendance for Game 7 against the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim in 2003. As the final seconds ticked off the clock, it was clear that this wasn’t like any other victory. He photographed 11 Stanley Cup victories for the Montreal Canadiens. He also was able to capture Cup clinching games for both the Calgary Flames and Philadelphia Flyers. This was the 3rd Cup for his son as well.

But this one was different. Not because he was old enough to be an AARP member—but because the 2003 Cup victory marked the first time that he had to use a wide-angle lens to capture the moment. Things were about to change and Denis Brodeur could see it coming.

This shape is like Kryptonite to Brodeur...

The lockout and loss of the 2004-05 season was terrible on various levels for Brodeur. Not only did he lose a season in the middle of his prime, but new rules were implemented to increase scoring in the NHL. Among the rule changes was the addition of a trapezoid behind the net. Soon regarded as the “Marty Rule,” the trapezoid set up areas where goaltenders would not be able play the puck. For goaltenders with superior stickhandling like Brodeur, this was a huge hit to his game.

The league was now making rules to make him less effective. Instead of forcing him to wear pads that fit his body or make him go on a diet so he took up less of the net, the NHL was creating rules that would marginalize one of his most effective skills.

He also had to deal with a paternity suit immediately after the lockout. As the NHL players were returning to North America, former Kings head coach Barry Melrose accused the well-fed Brodeur of fathering his newborn son. He had always implied that he “wanted to have Marty’s babies,” but this was the moment when insinuation turned to accusation. The mulleted baby with a gangster suit looked nothing like Brodeur and the lawsuit was soon dismissed. But the damage to his reputation had already been done.

Immediately after Melrose went public with his accusations, hockey reporters came out of the woodwork claiming that THEY were the ones that were “having Marty’s babies.” Notable hockey journalists Stan Fischler, John Buccigross and Damien Cox all came forward laying claim to Brodeur’s semen—but to no avail.

Things didn’t truly start spinning out of control until the 2008 playoffs. After the Rangers knocked Brodeur and the Devils from postseason contention, media lightning-rod Sean Avery made headlines by calling him Fatso in a postgame interview.

“I think he probably did it to himself more than anything. I think, you know, if you watch the games, he dove and was out of position a lot. It’s just us playing hard and playing hockey.”

“Well, everyone talks about how classy or un-classy I am, and fatso there just forgot to shake my hand I guess. . . We outplayed him. I outplayed him. We’re going to the second round.” –Sean Avery (via 5hole.com)

Avery’s comments sent Brodeur spiraling into an abyss of self doubt and insecurity that he hadn’t felt since he was the fat kid on the playground in Quebec. Memories of Poutine and donuts came flooding back as he thought back to those big-boned years.

In a heart-wrenching “tell-all” interview with Oprah, Martin Brodeur broke down on national television. Going back to a 1992 interview with the then-young goaltender of the Devils, we get staggering insight into the insecurities of the man that would take the NHL by storm.

“I’ve always been fat. My dad said I was portly, but I knew that he really meant fat. He said that his camera added 80 pounds… but everyone else said that a camera only adds 10 pounds. I knew what I was.”

The next season (2008-09), he was only able to play in 31 games before he had to have surgery to repair the distal bicep in his left elbow. Replays showed that very little happened to cause injury during the game. Only later did we find out that he had serious damage to his elbow when he was scooping rum-raisin ice cream out of a Costco sized tub with a melon-baller.

The tragedy proved to have deeper roots when Greg Wyshynski of Yahoo’s Puck Daddy made the astute observation that the Hockey Gods had been disrespected as well.

“Finally, there can be no doubt any longer: The egomaniacal “MB 30″ mask that Brodeur has adopted this year insulted the Hockey Gods, has bad juju and must be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom. This is essential”

He made it back to the lineup for the end of the season, but he wasn’t the same man that he was before the rum-raisin melon-baller incident. In Game 4 of the Eastern Conference semifinals against the Carolina Hurricanes, Martin Brodeur had a meltdown of epic proportions. Clearly his anger management classes led by Sean Avery were not having the desired results.

The larger than life Brodeur looked like a shadow of himself as he gave up the game tying and game winning goals in Game 7 of the same series. He was nearly responsible for the very public suicide of Kevin Smith (of Clerks and Mallrats fame), but luckily better judgment prevailed. If he thought that things couldn’t get worse after the Oprah interview, he was quickly proven wrong.

He had hit rock bottom.

I'm happy because I just ate...

In order to get Brodeur back on his game, the New Jersey mob threatened Brent Sutter with severe bodily injury if he didn’t resign. While the mainstream media assumed that Sutter had quit so he could coach with his brother in Calgary, people around the team knew that this was a last ditch effort bring Brodeur back to his peak years.

The same tough-guys that threatened Sutter to the point of premature anal leakage had a meeting with then-Minnesota Wild head coach Jacques Lemaire. Their offer was simple, “come back to New Jersey to help Brodeur or we’ll break your knees.” Never say Lemaire isn’t a smart individual.

After re-installing the defensive system that made the Devils so successful in the 1990’s and early 2000’s, things looked like they could be turning around for the decorated Devils netminder.

The 2009-10 season started great for the 4-time Vezina Trophy winner. The New Jersey Devils got off to a great start and were near the top of the NHL standings through the first 3 months of the season. Brodeur was able to answer his critics who said his time had passed as he reaffirmed his spot on the Canadian Olympic team. After breaking the all-time shutout record, there was nothing left to prove for the legendary goaltender. He was the best the league had ever seen.

He was finally vindicated.

Born to a former Olympic goaltender, little did anyone know that Martin would be destined to become one of the greatest players in NHL history. His father would stay around the game long after his playing career ended as the photographer for the Montreal Canadiens—but he had no idea that the greatest goaltender he’d ever photograph would be his son.

We should have known that a man who loved donuts would eventually break the record for most shutouts.

_______________________

parody: In art, music, or literature, a satire that mimics the style of its object.

Once again, our investigative reporting staff has been hard at work. You may have heard that ESPN recently released their first Power Rankings of the year. The results of the rankings are what make this story noteworthy. The Lightning were ranked 10th (in the NHL, not the East), the Devils were at 24th and Avalanche are in last. At least they got 1 of them right! Aside from the cellar-dwelling Avs, the rest of the list looks like a list put together by an elementary school kid riding the short bus. Obviously, they weren’t going for accuracy.

Thankfully, we can cut through all the speculation and get to the heart of the matter. We had a correspondent present when ESPN attempted to put together their power rankings last week. He was able to document the proceedings and has presented his findings here for your enjoyment. You can thank us later.

Normally, I’d include a link to a story that I’m talking about—but not in this case. Every single person that reads that ranking list will be just a little bit dumber by the time they finish. (Trust me, I was—and I don’t have too much to spare). If you care that much, I’m sure you can Google it and find the Rankings without too much effort. But honestly, read at your own risk. It should be used for comedy purposes only.

Without further adieu, here’s a rundown of what we heard in Bristol.

_______________

ESPN Exec: OK everyone, it’s that time of year again!

Peter Gammons: What? Red Sox and Yankees? *he throws up his hand for an unreciprocated high-five*

ESPN Exec: Well, yes. But not that…

Bill Walton: (interrupts) Even the dimmest among us knows that as the seasons turn, it’s symbolizes a shift to the greatest game in the world. That is the NBA. As the great John Wooden said, “Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.”

ESPN Exec: No Bill. And what the hell are you talking about?

"Hey Joe, do you wanna see my Luis Tiant baseball card?"

Trey Wingo: What is it boss? I want to tell you that it’s time for football—but we all know that football is EVERYDAY.

ESPN Exec: You’re right Trey. We’re not here to talk about football. But I WILL need those Brett Favre and Dallas Cowboys segments taped before you leave.

Wingo: Of course. We’ll talk about what would happen if Favre was able to lead a game winning drive in the new Cowboys Stadium. We’re talking to scientists to see if Earth would fall off of its axis.

Gammons: (muttering) Stupid football. We’re ALWAYS talking about football. Why can’t we talk about the Red Sox once in a while? I’m the Hall of Famer…

ESPN Exec: What was that Peter?

Gammons: Nothing. So what’s up?

ESPN Exec: Well, you’re all wrong. You all know that we take our role as the Worldwide Leader in Sports very seriously. Well, it’s that time of year that we turn our attention to some of the smaller sports. It’s time to start thinking about hockey season!

(Everyone explodes with laughter)

Wingo: Really boss, what’s up?

ESPN Exec: I’m serious. The NHL is getting ready start and we want to create some power rankings to get people ready for the season. Who’s up to help contribute?

Walton: No offense, but I don’t know the first thing about hockey.

Wingo: Yeah, but you don’t know anything about basketball either—and that doesn’t slow you down.

Walton: As the great Jerry Garcia said during his legendary Europe ’72 tour, “And as far as I’m concerned, it’s like I say, drugs are not the problem. Other stuff is the problem.”

ESPN Exec: Ummm, thanks for that Bill. I’m serious—who would like to help?

Gammons: I could take Dustin Pedoria to a game in Boston. People would LOVE to hear my tales with one of the most beloved members of the Sox!

ESPN Exec: That’s something to keep in mind Peter. But for now, we need to think about those power rankings.

Wingo: I’m not sure any of us are going to be able to help you. Here’s a great idea: Why don’t you ask someone in our HOCKEY DEPARTMENT?!?!

ESPN Exec: Because we don’t have a hockey department. Barry Melrose is getting his mullet trimmed and gangsta suits tailored. John Buccigross is busy hosting the middle-of-the-afternoon SportsCenter.

I have two words for you: Acid Trips.

Gammons: What about THAT guy *points finger*

ESPN Exec: Burnside? I don’t know about that… We just keep him employed so we can maintain the appearance of having a hockey staff outside of Bucci.

Walton: Really? That guy? Even I know that guy isn’t helping your cause.

ESPN Exec: Good point.

(At this point, Burnside realizes that the group is talking about him from across the room. He gets up from his chair in the corner and half-stumbles to the conference table. No one can tell if he just woke up or if he’s drunk. This is what an NHL writer looks like at ESPN—nothing out of the ordinary here)

Burnside: What’s up guys? What can I do ya for?

(Everyone cringes)

ESPN Exec: Maybe it would be best if you didn’t speak Scott. There’s a reason we have you on the NHL section of espn.com and why we never put you in front of a camera. Just—be still.

Burnside: To be honest, I don’t really know much about the NHL. The thing is—no one else around here knows anything either… I think that’s how I get away with it. Buccigross knows I’m a fraud, but he is busy enough. He doesn’t want even more crap thrown his way. That’s why he doesn’t call me out. But we both know that I’m full of shit.

ESPN Exec: Well, we all know that Scott. But that’s unimportant right now. What we need is for you to put together a Power Ranking for all 30 teams this week. The season starts on Thursday—so we need it sometime early this week.

Burnside: There are 30 teams in the league? Wow… who woulda known. I’m not even sure I can NAME all 30 teams, let alone rank them. I watch it on TV sometimes, but it’s always the same teams. I just thought there were only like 6 teams.

ESPN Exec: Nope, there are 30 Scott. They all have their own arenas, jerseys and everything. It’s very impressive!

Burnside: Wow! 30 sold out buildings? That’s awesome…

It was a Penguin head, not a Duck head. Close enough.

ESPN Exec: I didn’t say they sold out. I said they had their own jerseys. But that’s unimportant. You need to focus. Power rankings in my hand by the beginning of the week.

Burnside: How am I supposed to rank the teams when they haven’t even played a game yet? That seems like a waste of time, doesn’t it?

ESPN Exec: College football does it all the time. Hell, that’s how they determine their national champion! I’m not asking you to pick the Stanley Cup winner, I’m just asking you to fill a page on a website. Maybe you could have Lee Corso help you…

(At that moment, Lee Corso pokes his head in the door)

Corso: (while wearing a giant Penguin head) Not so fast my friend! We’re already screwing up my sport—I don’t want to screw hockey up too…

(Everyone snickers and Corso leaves as quickly as he arrived)

Burnside: Was that Penguin just talking to us?

ESPN Exec: God you’re an idiot. Alright, we’re going to have to figure this out. Let’s work together. Which teams do you know?

Burnside: Let’s see… I know the Red Wings, Penguins, Flyers, Blackhawks and uhhh… who does Ovechkin play for? The Caps! I know the Caps… Ohhh! And the Sharks! I know the Sharks too.

ESPN Exec: Great! Make those your top 6 teams. If you know them, they must be good! Why don’t you just put the other 24 teams in a hat and draw names. Seems like a good way to order the rest of the league.

Burnside: That would be great, sir. But how are we going to figure out the other 24 team names to put in the hat? I already told you all the teams that I know!

ESPN Exec: Alright… that’s not going to work. Unless someone in here knows the names of all the NHL teams.

Wingo: Don’t look at me man. Between Michael Vick and Mark Sanchez—I don’t have time for any other sports.

(The executive turns his attention to Walton and Gammons. Walton looks like he’s in the middle of an acid flashback while Gammons is looking at his Luis Tiant baseball card that he keeps in his wallet)

ESPN Exec: You guys are of NO use whatsoever. I have an idea though. How about we get a big map and throw some darts. Whichever big city the dart is closest to, that’s the city that will be next on our list. We can go back and ask Bucci later about which team plays where.

Burnside: I like darts.

ESPN Exec: Fantastic. It’s settled then. I’ll get a map, you get the darts. We’ll hammer this article out in no time. Everyone else, you can leave. You were absolutely no help whatsoever.

Wingo: No problem boss!

ESPN Exec: I’ll meet you back here in an hour. Go get your darts from home—it should be easy.

Burnside: I like darts.

ESPN Exec: God, you’re an idiot.

_______________

And that’s how it went down. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

We’ve been lucky enough to have correspondents in the right place at the right time. We were there when Sidney Crosby begged for special treatment from Gary Bettman. We were there when Ken Holland sold his soul to the Devil to try to win another Stanley Cup. And we were there when Jiri Hudler was approached by mobsters to play hockey in Russia. Yeah, we’re good.

This time, we have an exclusive transcript from Phil Kessel’s agent (Wade Arnott), his brother Jason (Nashville captain) and Nashville’s GM David Poile. Due to the confidential nature of these illegal talks, all 3 will be pissed if Kessel ends up in Nashville. So don’t hold your breath Predator fans.

Without further adieu, here’s what we heard.

_______________

Jason Arnott walks into Wade Arnott’s office…

Just doing anything he can do to help the team. After all, he's old...

Wade: Hey bro! Long time, no see! What have you been up to? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for training camp in Nashville?

Jason: Well, yeah… I’m old though. They’ll understand if I’m a little late… there’s only so much hockey I have left in this body. I don’t want to waste it on practice. Practice? Practice?

Wade: Thank you Mr. Iverson. If you’re not in Nashville—what are you doing here?

Jason: Well, you know that I’m captain down in Nashville now….

Wade: (laughing) I know! How’d you pull that off!!?!?

Jason: OK asshole. That wasn’t my point. I’m captain because I have a lot of experience. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted… I have a favor to ask of you. What’s going on with Phil Kessel?

Wade: Funny you should mention that—I have a meeting with him in about 5 minutes.

Jason: Well?

Wade: I’m not sure what’s going on with him. Between you and me—he’s not happy with how the negotiations are going with Boston. On top of that, the Bruins don’t have all that much cap space—so there’s a huge problem there.

Jason: That’s what I thought. I figured if he wanted to be there, it would already be done. And that’s why I’m here. I want to do anything I can to help the Predators win. They have great fans, they’ve been nothing but supportive of me and they had to deal with Boots Del Biaggio and Jim Balsillie.

Wade: AND, they used to play in a place called the Gaylord Center.

Jason: Exactly. They’ve been through a lot. So what can you do to help them?

Wade: What can I do? I’m not the superstar center with “experience.”

Jason: No, but you ARE the agent that represents a guy that scored 36 goals last season.

Wade: You know that Dany Heatley’s available, right?

Jason: First of all, Heatley was traded to San Jose. Aren’t you in the hockey business? You should know that! Secondly, Heatley’s a nutbag and Nashville is too close to Atlanta.

Wade: Good point. That guy really is a nutbag. San Jose? Really? I’m sure he’ll help them with their team chemistry in April.

(Both hardily laugh. I mean HARDILY)

Wade: So you want me to convince Phil Kessel to go to the Nashville Predators? Well, you know that he’s not an unrestricted free agent, right? He can’t just sign with anyone that he wants. Why don’t you talk to David Poile and have him sign my client to an offer sheet?

Jason: Oh, I already talked to him. Dave is outside in the hall. He thinks that this would be tampering or something—so he wanted to stay out of it.

Wade: Yet he’s outside?

Jason: Yep. He wants to stay out of it—but have you seen our top 2 lines? Wade, we REALLY need a top flight scorer. But, we’re a young team and we don’t really want to give up our 1st, 2nd and 3rd round picks for ANYONE. We’re Nashville. It’s not the easiest thing to sign a free agent.

Wade: I see your point. So what can I do?

Jason: Well, Dave won’t admit this, but he had a great idea. Why don’t you have Kessel TELL the Bruins that he has no intentions of ever signing a contract with them?

Wade: Why does that help?

Future Maple Leaf? Or maybe future Predator?

David Poile (from outside the door): Because then they’ll try to trade him!!!

Wade gets up and opens the door. David Poile is caught hold a glass up to the door.

Wade: C’mon in and join us. Please.

David: OK, but just for a minute. Don’t tell anyone! Do you think you can help us?

Wade: What exactly do you want me to do? Again, he’s not a free agent—so my client’s options are limited.

David: Like I said, why don’t you leak something to the press that says that Phil has no intentions of signing with Boston? That would force the Bruins to explore the possibility of a trade. I don’t want to part with our draft picks—but we have a ton of defensemen. I’m sure we could work out some kind of deal!

Wade: Well, that’s for you and Peter Chiarelli to work out. But what do I get out of this deal?

Jason: I’m your brother! You’re not going to do this out of the love of your heart?

Wade: I’m an agent—you know that I had to give up my heart when I officially started representing hockey players. I just have a void in my chest where my heart used to be.

Jason: Good point. Ummm….

David: Well, Boston can’t sign Phil for the market value. And I’m sure you saw the news that Brian Burke reacquired the Leafs’ 2nd round pick from Chicago. You know he’s gearing up to make a run at a restricted free agent, right?

Wade: Yeah, we saw that could be a possibility.

David: Do you really want your client to go to Toronto? That’s where forwards go to die! Does Jason Allison or Jeff O’Neill ring a bell?

Jason: I think Jason Allison is making a comeback this year.

David: Well yeah, if he can beat out Wayne Primeau for a roster spot!

(Everyone laughs)

David: All I’m asking is that you leak the information about how Phil doesn’t want to resign with the Bruins. The Toronto media will swarm all over the story, that asshat Brian Burke will think he’s the only GM interested in Kessel and while he’s busy stroking his own ego, I’ll be able to negotiate with Chiarelli.

Wade: I’ll see what I can do.

David: Do it for Phil. Do it for America.

Jason: Do it for your brother!

Wade: Hey, Mom and Dad already gave me the shitty name in the family. Do you remember how many times I got my ass kicked when we were kids because my name is “Wade”? I don’t need to do any favors for you!

Jason: I’ll let you wear my Stanley Cup ring.

(Dead silence)

Wade: I’ll call Phil right now. Don’t tell Burke. Jason, go get your ring. I have a date tonight—and if I have the ring, I think I could close the deal… I’m an agent. It’s all about closing the deal.

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As if that isn’t enough for you, here’s further proof that the Nashville Predators are in the mix for Phil Kessel…

parody: In art, music, or literature, a satire that mimics the style of its object

Once again we’re lucky enough to have some of the best correspondents in the business. From the same guys that brought you the REAL story behind Hudler’s exodus to Russia, a secret conversation between Sidney Crosby and Gary Bettman and the Red Wings selling their soul to the devil, we have some inside dirt on the Phoenix Coyotes sale and bankruptcy litigation. As always, our correspondents aren’t at liberty to divulge their sources—so don’t ask. Just enjoy the education. Here’s what went down in the desert earlier this week…

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Red said he can play again...

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Three and a half men walk into a bar: Jerry Reinsdorf, Jerry Moyes, Jim Balsillie… and another guy. A lot of people hissed at him when he walked in—I heard a couple of people call him Napoleon and another call him a fascist. But I prefer his actual name: Gary Bettman. Interestingly enough, even though he’s half the size of any of the other men, he was walking ahead of them like he owned the joint. Like I said, short man complex.

The oompa loompa turns around only expecting to see 2 men and asks, “What are you doing here Jim?”

Balsillie with a smug-ass billionaire smirk responds, “I’m a gugabillionaire Gary. I can go where I want. Do whatever I want. And buy whatever I want.”
The bar is about half-full and located in Glendale, AZ. The bar used to be packed, but people thought it was going to be built in Scottsdale, so it’s not as full as it once was. Regardless, not many of the patrons are playing attention to Bettman or Balsillie. Nor Moyes or Reinsdorf for that matter. There’s a television on, and everyone seems like they care more about the Suns game on TV than the 4 men that have been all over the NHL newswires recently. Hell, even Reinsdorf is watching to see if his Bulls can beat the Suns. Obviously, his priorities aren’t in the desert.

Really, there are only two tables in the entire place that notice what’s going on. One table has a guy and a couple of girls. In any other bar, they might be concentrating on their drinks or thinking about how hockey jerseys would look better on the walls. But on this night, they all have their iPhones and smart phones out (they damn well better not own blackberries), tweeting and blogging about the guys that just walked in. Odin is one of the biggest bloggers in the Phoenix Coyotes community. Heather is the head of Save The Coyotes and Amy Jo was recently named “Hendricks Hockey Girl of the Month.” Clearly, this is a high powered table with some serious public influencers.

It’s obvious from his mannerisms that Jerry Moyes is desperately trying to blend into the crowd—he’s doing anything he can to make sure he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb. He owes the waiter that’s swirling around the bar a ton of money and the waiter has started to get pissed. He has started demanding that he be paid, paid soon and paid in cash. His name is Dell. Just think, Moyes owes two other people even MORE money than he owes Dell… I imagine they are fairly pissed as well.

The 3.5 guys belly-up to the bar and continue their conversation. There are only 3 chairs at the bar, so Balsillie and his enormous ego are left without a place to sit. He reaches over to the table adjacent to the bar, peels off a few hundred dollar bills (Canadian, of course), and pulls the chair out from under a woman at the table. He pulls up his newly purchased chair with the original threesome. Apparently, this isn’t the first time Balsillie has bought his chair at the big boys table.

Does he care about hockey? Or Phoenix? (from ryanalvis.com)

The bartender’s name is Redfield T. Baum, but everyone just calls him Red. Red asks them all what they want; Balsillie is the first to answer:
“Hey there Red, I’d like an NHL team!”

Bettman looks over at him with his death stare, mutters something along the lines of “over my dead body” and responds, “I don’t care. Just make sure this guy (points to Reinsdorf) gets what he wants and make sure THIS guy (points to Balsillie) doesn’t get anything. Besides that, I don’t care. And make sure that whatever anyone buys tonight—they drink it here. They can’t go anywhere with their drink—it has to be here in Arizona.”

Reinsdorf, completely uninterested responds, “Just give me a White Sox score and leave me alone. I don’t even want to be here—Gary drug me here.”

Moyes nervously looks around. He looks like he’s just done 2 lines of coke and he’s completely frantic and paranoid. “Look, I don’t care what you give me. I just want to get mine and leave. Leave now.” He’s still afraid of the circling waiter named Dell and the truck drivers that are at the other end of the bar. He probably owes the truckers money too.

The other table of interest is filled with Make-It-Seven fans. For once, they’re the life of the party tonight (they’ve been celebrating all night with shots of Canadian whiskey and Molson). This is interesting because they have gone from non-existent, to mobilized, to seemingly disbanded, to re-energized. They’re so emo. I don’t even know what that means—but I’m told that’s VERY bad. They think they’re friends with Balsillie and they’ve been celebrating all day that he gets to play with Moyes and Reinsdorf. The bartender wasn’t very nice to him last time—then the bar took a vote. The bar was unanimous that they liked Reinsdorf and his White Sox hat; likewise they were unanimous in voting that Balsillie should be forced out. He was let back into the bar tonight—and they’re the happiest people in the joint.

Moyes wants a check this big! (Figuratively, of course)

It’s interesting to look at the differences of these two tables—but their similarities as well. Neither of the tables particularly care for either Reinsdorf or Moyes. The power bloggers over at table #1 have a particular distaste for Jerry Moyes of late, but neither table really likes either. Both tables have an absolute HATRED of Gary Bettman—but then again, so does everyone else in the bar. The difference is their view on Mr. Blackberry: The Make It Seven crew have their hopes and dreams pinned to his success and the Phoenix blogging crew wishes he would go straight to hell without collecting $200.

It quickly becomes apparent that even though the 3.5 men think of themselves as very important, they know the guy that’s passing out the drinks in the bar is the guy with all the control. There are a bunch of rich guys (26 of them in 26 different cities, in fact) that tell him that Gary Bettman is right and should get what he wants. There are a bunch of Canadians that keep telling him that Jim Balsillie is the 2nd coming and his money provides all the answers. And everyone universally thinks that Jerry Moyes is a weasel. He’s now hiding in the corner.

But as it stands today, it looks like he favors the other Jerry. The disinterested one. The one that cares more about his Chicago sports than making a scene in his bar. The Phoenix bloggers are fine with his apathetic ways because he’ll keep something they love in the desert. Even if he doesn’t love the team like they do, they’ll still get to see their team play. And at the end of the day—it’s still THEIR team.

As usual, absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the meeting between the suits and the bartender. As always, they agree to meet again at a later date and argue over some more mundane details that really don’t matter. The bloggers take note: the rest of the hockey world has come to depend on Odin, Heather and Amy Jo tweeting and writing about the bartender moderating between Gary and his crew and Jim and his crew. They’ll be at the next meeting to keep all of up to date.

As they all leave the bar, Peter Mueller waved to them on the way out. Isn’t it interesting how all of these people who are involved with hockey are talking about everything EXCEPT hockey? Maybe they were just waiting for the suits to go away so everyone could get back to the game they love.

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Don’t you just love that we are able to get such exclusive insight into a confusing situation?

Does it sound personal? Yeah—that’s because it is personal to the Coyotes fans. I’m not sure whether they’ll stay in Phoenix; I’m not even sure they SHOULD stay in Phoenix when this whole fiasco is done—but I know how I’d feel if I were a Coyote fan. Before you start saying that they should be moved, just think about how you’d feel if the rest of the continent was saying that YOU didn’t deserve YOUR team. Unless you’ve sold out every game for the last 50 years, then there always could be more fan support.

Yes, even Toronto and Montreal have room for improvement.

If you want to follow the latest news on the sale of the Coyotes, you can follow along with Odin, Heather and Amy Jo.  Yes, that table full of bloggers was full of real people.

You can check out Odin’s reports at Five For Howling, Heather’s reports at Save the Coyotes and Amy Jo’s perspective at Yotes Sign Gurl.  You’ll find anything that you could possibly want about hockey in the desert (and probably much, much more!)

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parody: In art, music, or literature, a satire that mimics the style of its object.